Chinese produce MINI knock off!

The Chinese motor industry is renowned for its flagrant disregard for intellectual propoerty legislation, so much so that the industry will surely have copied every conceivable European and US model before the decade is out.

So it’s no surprise that a ropey knock off of the MINI has emerged. Known as the Lifan 3-series (even the name is stolen from BMW!) the resultant mutant has deformed proportions which make it looks like the offspring of a MINI and a London Taxi. However the chrome grille, contrast roof, rear lights and even the wheels are all dead ringers for the first generation MINI Cooper S.

The Lifan is likely to cost a good deal less than the MINI, but don’t expect interior plastics above Fisher-Price levels and under no circumstances should you crash it, given the appalling record of Chinese cars in crash tests.

But before BMW call in the lawyers, they might like to note that the Lifan’s 5-door rear end actually doesn’t look too bad, and (whisper it) looks more sensible than the weird arrangements on the Clubman.

Mark my words, the Chinese car industry in a decade or so will be no laughing matter. But in the meantime, be astounded at the sheer audacity of more Chinese knock-offs here.

The definition of Ghetto

One of my neighbours in our humble street has decided to treat himself to a Lamborgini Diablo Roadster. Good for him, but not so good for the rest of us, as the noise from the exhaust quite literally shakes the neighbourhood.

Prolonging the vibratory experience is the fact that the Lambo has such poor visibility that parking is an adventure of epic proportions as he tries to fit the damn thing into a space previously occupied by a clapped-out Nissan.

There is something fundamentally wrong about a chap parking his Lamborghini on the street, opening its scissor door and emerging with a plastic bag full of his stuff, and walking into a terraced house a shoddy part of East London.

I once read a definition of how you know if you’re ghetto: “When you car payment is more than your house payment”. I think this is entirely appropriate here. Owning a Lamborghini without the accompanying mansion and driveway does not make you look cool, it makes you look quite tragic.

Tata to the Planet?

You’re looking at the most important car of the year, if not the decade. The Tata Nano goes on sale in India for 1 Lakh, or £1300, bringing motoring to the Indian masses in the same way the Model T Ford did for America and the VW Beetle for Germany.

£1300 buys you a fully enclosed steel body with 4 doors, a rear mounted engine “pumping” out 33bhp, and wheels the size of 10p pieces. Don’t laugh – this is an astonishing achievement, though as £1300 is three times the average Indian salary, it’s like the average Brit buying a Porsche 911.

In a country where whole families are loaded onto mopeds, the Nano’s impact will be revolutionary. Al Gore isn’t happy, predicting that as soon as India takes to the road, the impact to the climate will be devastating.

This is of course a bit rich from someone whose countrymen indulge in superfluous SUVs and pick-ups with gas-guzzling engines. The Western world has been enjoying the fruits of industrialisation and the benefit of mobilisation for decades, who are we to deny the developing world what we have enjoyed (and abused) for so long? What’s needed is for us to get our own house in order before we can preach to the likes of India and China.

2007: How was it for you?

Fed up with 2007 Reviews of the Year yet? Tough! here’s the Sloth’s highlights of 2007

Man Of The Year: Dermot O’Leary. Oh how we rejoiced when Ice Queen Kate Thornton was replaced with Dermot on X-Factor, and he didn’t disappoint, by camping it up, blubbing and giving the male contestants (not the girls) big manhugs. The best talent on X-factor by far.

Woman Of The Year: Amy Winehouse. Outrageously talented, and sadly a celebrity blogger’s dream. And with the best-selling album of the year, she proves there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

Celebrity Mess of the Year: Amy Winehouse

Car of the Year Not Including the Mini: The Maserati Granturismo. Can you imagine turning up in one of these? Italian sex appeal without the embarrassment of owning a Ferrari.

Car Most Likely to get Keyed Outside my House if I Owned One: Maserati Granturismo.

Car of the Year including the MINI: The MINI Cooper S I test drove. Just awesome. I want one!

Album of the Year: Amy Winehouse – Back to Black. Though released in 2006, I only really appreciated just how good this album this year. Real British soul music – you don’t hear Americans singing about being no good.

Singles of the Year – based on iTunes airplay, how often I sung it in the shower, and general fudging it:

1) Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis

2) Back to Black – Amy Winehouse
3) Umbrella – Rihanna
4) No One – Alicia Keys

5) Anonymous – Bobby Valentino
6) Promise-Ciara

7) Icebox-Omarion
8) Can’t Forget About You – Nas feat Chrisette Michele

9) Gotta Work – Amerie

10) Uninvited – Freemasons

Retailer of the Year: Ted Baker (of course)

Website of the Year: Facebook. So successful, my employer has blocked it.

Biggest Disappointments of the Year:

• The iPhone. Beautiful, but no 3G and an 18 month contract with O2? No thanks.
• Where was Whitney’s album?
• Having to challenge people about their racism in 2007.

Things I’m looking forward to in 2008:

• My Civil Partnership & honeymoon. Hooray!
• Cousin #1′s baby
• Cousin # 2′s baby
• Brother’s baby (blimey feeling left out, must adopt a goldfish or something)
• Mini Cooper S????! (had to put this last or my nearest and dearest will kill me!)

Second thoughts?

I’m 99.99% certain my next motor will be a Mini Cooper S. However I really like the look of the new BMW 123d. It’s a compact two-door that recalls the look and size of the 3-series before it got big and bloated and became the fast lane weapon of choice for photocopier salesmen.

It does 0-60 in 6.7 secs and amazingly, still does 40mpg. Shame it has such a drab interior, and is bound to be driven by rich ladies who lunch. Also, by the time I’ve added Sat Nav and Leather and a few more “vital” extras, it’s going to cost £35k. And I’ve got a civil partnership to pay for…

Mini pretenders

Ever since the MINI arrived in 2001, car makers have been chasing BMW’s holy grail – which is, “How To Charge A Fortune For A Small Car.” Here’s the latest attempts to do just that.

The Audi A1 Metroproject appeared at the Toyko motorshow with both a 1.4 turbo-charged engine and an electric motor in the rear for city driving. Currently a concept car, something looking more or less exactly like this car will appear in Audi showrooms in 2009. The styling aims to be more masculine than the MINI and it does looks purposeful and smart. More worrying is the use of VW Polo floorpan and mechanicals, a car not noted for zesty driving fun.

This sketch shows the new Alfa Romeo Junior, due in the second half of next year. It’s Alfa’s first foray into the small car sector in decades. Swoopy, exotic and unmistakably Italian styling is sure to be a hit, and though it’s based on the Fiat Punto, Alfa are sensibly treating the Junior to a suspension upgrade, in an effort to match the MINI’s dynamics, which is due in no small part to its sophisticated multi-link rear suspension.

It’s very promising the way the small car market is diverging into two separate classes – standard runabout v designer models. However both the cars above will have to be very good indeed to tempt me out of buying one of these in 2009:

Frankfurt Motor Show: Hot and Not

HOT

Ford Verve: This is the new Fiesta. Blimey!

Jaguar XF: Looks feline, sleek, modern, and more importantly, nothing like the S-Type

Infiniti EX35: Possibly the best looking SUV ever, Nissan’s premium brand is coming to the UK soon

Fiat Punto Abarth: You’ve got to love fast small cars, and this looks cool and has 180bhp

BMW X6: On the one hand, BMW’s cross between a SUV and a coupe looks unique and razor sharp…

NOT

BMW X6: …on the other hand, it handles like a SUV and has no rear seat space, so what is the point? And you just know it will be driven by tossers.

Citroen C-Cactus concept: Designed by the guy who brought you the Noddy car, after a night on the razz with Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty

Subaru Impreza: A brand new design that looks like something from your local Mazda dealer’s used car selection. What were they thinking?

Audi A4: All new. Did they actually change anything? A real snore, but should be a hit with photocopier salesmen everywhere.

Bella!

Fiat has released official pictures of the new Fiat 500, and it’s stunning, having the same kind of impact as the new MINI did in 2001. It follows the MINI formula of meshing retro style and modern technology with lots of personalisation options. Judging from the pictures, I’d say Fiat has a surefire hit on its hands.

The only bad news is that Fiat aren’t bringing over the cheaper versions to the UK, which means that it will start from £11,000, or only £600 less than the MINI One. And while the 500 will probably drive much like a £7k Fiat Panda on which it’s based, the MINI One rides and handles just like the £16k MINI Cooper S – an important distinction for those of us who actually care how our car drives, not just how it looks.

The fashionable won’t care, and you can expect to see legions of these clogging our streets soon. I’m looking forward to it.

Escalading Madness

Just when you thought it was safe to go onto our roads without getting cut up by a Range Rover, General Motors have decided to unleash two behemoths on the unsuspecting British public.

The Cadillac Escalade and Hummer H3 eat Smart cars whole without indigestion, emit as much CO2 as the entire Easyjet fleet, yet still have mechanicals that date back to the iron age and interiors made of plastic bin liners.

Oh, and for the privilege, Cadillac want an eye-watering £50,000. And it’s left hand drive, so expect kamikaze overtaking manoeuvres from the Chelsea yummy mummies, Premier league footballers and narcotics distributors who are actually going to buy these things.

For us people that fancy not being social lepers, there’s always the FUH2 website (It stands for F*** U Hummer 2). The site features literally thousands of morally upstanding citizens giving the Hummer the finger.

So when you see one of these ridiculous devices on the streets, why not give it the finger and send in your own contribution with a nice U.K. landmark in the background, then maybe General Motors will get the idea!

The Reliant Robin is back!

The most exciting thing about the recent Detriot Motor Show was not the domestic manufacturer’s doomed attempts to catch Toyota but rather this unspeakable contraption from a Chinese manufacturer, the Changfeng Rhombus.

With its wheels in a 1-2-1 formation and a horrific interior, it makes you wonder just what was being smoked when this was conceived.

With Reliant bust, should be a hit with Del Boy Trotter though.