Ted or Dead

Business news just in from the Independent:

“Ted Baker has consistently achieved a steady growth in sales….the group recently reported a 14.3% increase in group revenues”

Crikey – did I really spend that much in there last year?!

Oh the Glamour of Ryanair!

From HolyMolys’ Rules of Modern Life:

“Ryanair: less an airline and more a psychological experiment into how much humiliation people will stand in return for getting something cheap.”

Ryanair’s latest tricks to save every last penny include sticky vinyl seats that don’t recline and have no map pockets (easier to clean/maintain) safety cards stuck to the back of the seat in front so you have to stare at cartoon depictions of doom for the entire journey, and now they’re selling advertising space on the overhead lockers, just like on the Tube. They even ask you to clean up your part of the jet, the cheeky gits! And don’t get me started on their Pringles and Mars bar “menu.”

And still, with those 99p fares, snobby middle class people show no signs of resisting sharing cabin space with the great unwashed – they just sit in their plastic seats and loudly debate the airline industry’s contribution to global warming instead.

The End of Your Social Life As You Know It

Every time a new entertainment medium, comes along, social commentators (usually in the Daily Mail) have been predicting an end to conversation, exercise, morality, and society in general.

Despite the best efforts of Radio, TV, Rock and Roll, Video and the Internet, society has so far not descended into anarchy. But that may all be over with the dawn of the Personal Video Recorder.

The Virgin Media PVR is called V+ and it arrived a couple of weeks ago and frankly it’s the dog’s nads, performing all manner of tricks which would have been mere science fiction but a few years ago.

• Rewind Live TV – brilliant when you want to see an action replay of the silly cow being pushed down the stairs on EastEnders
• Pause Live TV – ideal when something tasty comes on screen during Grey’s Anatomy
• Record Whole series – you can record an entire season of American Idol at the touch of a button without having to get off your fat behind to find a VHS tape or blank DVD.
• On Demand viewing – I watched The Queen with Helen Mirren and the entire third Season of Peep Show without going down to HMV to buy the DVDs.

In fact, with all these tricks, there is really now no reason to leave the house at all. A future of delivered Pizza, morbid obesity and no friends awaits. It’s going to be fun!

Goodbye, Highly S**t Banking Corporation

After fifteen or so years of watching their customer service go to the dogs, today I finally wrote the letters which means that me and HSBC will be parting ways.

I’m sure HSBC won’t give a damn, but then, they haven’t given a damn about customer service for years. Unless you’re loaded of course.

It started more than a decade ago when they stopped letting you speak to your local branch, redirecting you to a call centre. Which was fair enough, I thought, I was all for progress, time moves on, etc.

However a further erosion of the client/bank relationship came with the fact that every time you applied for some financial product, they said “I’ll just run a credit check”. The fact that you had banked with them for years counted for nothing.

I went to see them about a mortgage when I bought my first flat. In a scene reminiscent of those Little Britain sketches, I was told “computer says no” when asked if they had any deals for first time buyers who were also long-standing customers. Oh, and by the way she said, you’ll need a 10% deposit. “How many first time buyers have a 10% deposit in the South East?” I asked incredulously. My business went elsewhere.

They sent me a mailshot for low APR loans, which I applied for, but according to their scoring system, I wasn’t eligible for their low rate due to my “account history.” Funny that a competitor who I had no financial relationship with at all could offer me the same low rate that HSBC had advertised.

But the final straw was moving calls from poor people to India. According to the This Is Money site, when you ring up, HSBC do a scoring exercise to see if you are loaded enough to speak to a UK call centre. Naturally, this doesn’t include me, and I’m routed to the robots abroad who mean well but resolutely refuse to deviate from their scripts.

A particular low point was when the fraud department rang me from India over a very crackly connection, which sounded so dodgy I rang them back to check it was indeed HSBC. The operator needed to check my transactions and the call took aeons as the poor guy faltered and stammered over names like “W H Smiths” and “Carphone Warehouse”. Not his fault, but not acceptable.

There are now tales on the net of HSBC customers going into branches with queries and they are told to pick up a phone on the wall to speak to the Indian call centre. In the meantime, HSBC recently announced profits of about £11bn for 2006. They must think we’re absolute mugs.

So off I trot to the lovely, shiny ethical smile bank. Mind you I rang up their call centre the other day and spoke to a chap whose Geordie accent was so thick I could barely understand a word. I guess you can’t win them all.