Teetotal Tedium

When I tell people that I don’t like Marmite, they accept it and move on without comment. When I tell people that I don’t like alcohol, a pause invariably ensues, a pause I am supposed to fill in by explaining myself. Or, I’m asked the question, “what, never?”

My confession (and it often feels like a confession) seems to lead to whoever I’m speaking to trying to imagine their life without alcohol and seeing an empty void where their social life used to be. Maybe its our binge drinking culture, or maybe it’s just a lack of imagination.

Is Nothing Sacred?

Our local McDonalds has been given a makeover. Gone is the bright red and yellow plastic and instead there are subdued greens, mood lighting and “lounging areas”. Which begs the question, who wants to lounge in a McDonalds?

Sure enough, the clientele of hoodies, drunks and middle class mums desperate for the toilet doesn’t seem to have changed.

McDonalds should stick to its core market of a cheap, quick, fix to fill a need followed by feelings of self-loathing and guilt. In other words, it should feel like visiting a prostitute.

What’s next, organic free range chicken at KFC?

Chocolate Biscuits: The New Health Food

If there’s one thing that’s really getting on my nerves right now, it’s the fact that every advertisement break on TV is riddled with ridiculous health claims made by food manufacturers.

Nestle are promoting the “wholegrain goodness” in their highly processed Cheerios breakfast cereal. Cheese strings and Dairylea are being advertised as containing Calcium for healthy bones. But what really was the last straw was McVities proudly proclaiming how Chocolate Digestives contain whole wheat.

The problem is that all these claims are actually true, but food manufacturers can focus on one nutritional benefit and ignore the fact that any benefits are effectively cancelled out by excess saturated fat, salt and sugar.

The EU is looking to ban this practice. It’s one bit of EU legislation I really wouldn’t mind.

Pancake Stuffage

I never miss a good excuse to stuff my face, and Shrove Tuesday is a key date in the stuffage calendar.

As usual the Chef came up trumps and crafted savoury pancakes stuffed with smoke ham, spinach and cheese….

Several crepes later, we followed up a few cheeky sweet ones, served with a posh Nutella-style spread, fruit compote, mango, sugar, whipped cream and lemon juice…

Delicious! And now it’s on to Lent. I have decided to give up my diet. Pass me the Green and Black’s!

Fast Food for snobs

Ping Pong restaurants are popping up in central London in the same way Starbucks did when it was at its most aggressive. Offering exquisite dim sum at reasonable prices, it’s the ultimate fast food for those of us that want a quick bite but come over all holier than thou or just feel a bit dirty going into McDonald’s.

Really there isn’t much of a difference – it’s a chain, the food arrives pre-prepared and is warmed up on site, and the ambience, though classy, is designed so you don’t loiter longer than is absolutely necessary. And you can bet the whole concern will be sold off to Burger King at some point.

But the dim sum is out of this world. It arrives piping hot in the wooden steamers they were cooked in. The Char Sui Bun with Honey Barbecued pork inside; the Sticky Rice cooked in a Lotus leaf; and Spinach and Mushroom Steamed Dumplings were divine. Flavours were distinct, delicate, and natural.

So it’s fantastic fast food without guilt, and the young hoodies fighting in the queue.

Ducking the Issue

The Chef and I celebrated six years of coupledom (awww, etc) by shelling out for a stupendous dining experience at Lindsay House in Soho.

We started with sun-dried tomato with Goats cheese croquettes, which looked like something from Iceland but the delicately crisp shell exploded into creamy sensation.

Our steak was late, but only because the chef hadn’t got it right the first time and had to start again. The perfection was well worth the wait, and the accompanying creamed potatoes were exquisite.

We finished with a chocolate brownie the richness of which contrasted superbly with the deeply fruity cherry ice cream.

The only dampener on proceedings was the fact that Foie Gras appeared in several different menu selections. I’m no vegetarian, but force feeding a duck until its liver expands is absolutely unnecessary, indefensible and disgusting, and the end product is not worth the suffering.

Foie Gras production is apparently banned in the UK, but UK restaurateurs should go one further and ban this vile product from our menus.

Hakkasan is smokin’ – in more ways than one!

I can’t think of a better way than to lift the traumatic first week of the year than by paying a visit to London’s best Chinese restaurant, Hakkasan. The joy of Hakkasan is experiencing Chinese takeaway staples like Sweet and Sour Pork being cooked to world class standards. The downside is that your cheeky takeaway will never taste quite the same again.

To start, the baked dumplings impressed with sophisticated flavours and the perfectly cooked duck breast in orange sauce with mango slices was a sweet tangy sensation. A main course of moist chicken in Jasmine tea and melt in the mouth stir-fried ostrich was also outrageously good.

The chocolate and lemon mousse dessert had too many clashing flavours and textures when I was expecting a simple dessert, however, and the service though slick, is aloof. It was, however, a relief as a non-drinker to have a selection of superb, lovingly mixed non-alcoholic cocktails for once, instead of having to deaden my taste buds with Diet Coke yet again.

The big downer was Hakkasan’s failure to designate a smoking area, so our meal was interrupted by puffs off smoke from a Russian couple sucking on vile imported cigarettes. July’s smoking ban cannot come a second too soon. In the meantime, must ask my dad what “Do you mind, we’re eating?!” is in Russian.

In short, a meal in Hakkasan may be ten times the price of your local takeway, but it’s far more than ten times as good.

All Manoir of Delights

For a 40th birthday gift, The Chef was kindly given a voucher for the Raymond Blanc restaurant Le Manoir Aux Quatre Saisons. It has taken us 5 months to actually get a table, which says much about the popularity of the two-Michelin starred restaurant.

Berthing my MINI in a sea of Bentleys, BMWs and ridiculous bling 4x4s, it was clear that we were entering the realm of the British Upper-Middle-Class. Try as we might to think class distinctions are unimportant these days, it’s hard to not feel uneasy at the thought that you might be lower down the class rankings than everyone else in the room. British class distinctions are ridiculous and anachronistic, but they’re still here.

Walking through the abundant gardens, where the restaurant grows its own organic vegetables and herbs, it was clear that we could forget all about food miles and pesticides. Entering the restaurant we were greeted by what seemed like 20 different people – the IKEA model of staffing levels has thankfully not reached Le Manoir yet.

The Sloth has been to a few restaurants where snooty staff spoiled the experience, but the staff of Le Manoir struck the right balance between professionalism and snootiness. Not once did I lift my finger to refill my water glass, and when I returned from powdering my nose, my chair was pulled out and my napkin placed on my lap. Every dish and glass of wine was announced with flourish.

The other diners ranged from regulars dripping with money to first-timers out for a celebration, just like The Chef and me, which set us at ease. Even so, here are some snippets of conversation we overheard:

• “I’ve got the most boring job in the world. I’m a Swiss private banker.”
• “Whenever I’m in Barbados, I take my boat out fishing.”
• “Is that off Madison? That’s the same place I get my hair done when I’m in New York!”

The clientele were not being pretentious, this was just their lives. I do hope they were not made too jealous if they overheard our discussions about our fabulous careers in middle management and our terraced house in E17.

We chose the “Notre Menu Decouverte”which is a 10 course menu of small dishes described as a “voyage of discovery with new flavours and textures” and this description was apt. Most of the dishes were simply astounding. The menu in full:

1: Cornish crab, avocado, grapefruit jelly
I have never tasted crab as fresh and delightful as this before, and the grapefruit jelly reminded me of Silver shred marmalade, which is a compliment!

2: Confit of Landais foie gras, soused cherries; fresh cobnut and toasted sour dough bread
An incredibly rich and creamy foie gras, but was it worth the suffering? Answer: no.

3: Glenarm” Scottish salmon cucumber and wasabi; Oscietra Caviar
Resembling sushi, it was a shock to realise that the salmon was in fact warm, yet it had kept the light gelatinous texture of raw salmon. How they did this I have no idea.

4. Broken free range “Wytham” hen egg; watercress; fresh walnuts
A soft boiled egg which tempted you to make soldiers, the real star of this dish was the tantalisingly fresh watercress.

5. Pan-fried seabass and langoustine, smoked mash potatoes and red wine anis jus
Perfect seabass and a creamy mass, the simplicity of which was nicely complemented by the spicy gravy with anis.

6. Roast Anjou squab, caramelised sweetcorn, bacon popcorn
Anjou is pigeon, and the delicate flesh was contrasted superbly with sweet flavours including a custard style sauce and the superb caramelised sweetcorn.

7. Cheese course
From the board our tastebuds tingled to goats cheese, a rich brie and the deep flavour of 18-month matured cheddar, the finest cheddar I have ever experienced.

8. “Kaffir” lime leaf and coconut tapioca, passion fruit and banana sorbet
Remember tapioca from school dinners? I failed to taste any coconut but the powerful sweetness of the passion fruit gave a satisfying sugar rush

9. Tiramisu flavours, cocoa sauce and coffee bean ice cream
Essentially a very small portion of tiramisu with coffee ice cream a million miles away from the stuff you buy in the supermarket.

10: Valrhona “Araguani 72% ” chocolate mousse, lemon butterscotch sauce and almond milk creme glacee
An intense mousse present in a crisp roll shell, and though I usually hate anything almond based such as marzipan, I readily devoured the refreshing creme glacee.

11. Cafe “Pur Arabica”, petis fours et chocolats du Manoir
We moved to the lounge for our coffee which was served with smartly presented chocolates.

The Chef’s wine:

• Riesling “Cuvee Frederic Emile” Alsace 2003
• Vin Du Pays du Val de Monferrard 2004
• Vin Du Pays de l’Heiault 2003

As you can imagine, 11 courses and 5 hours later, we had a distinct Christmas day feeling. Was it all worth the average monthly budget to feed a family of four? Maybe. But it certainly rates as one of the most memorable culinary experiences in my life so far.

Things To Do When You’re Off Ill

Watching E! Entertainment Channel. This cerebral channel has programmes such as “Top 100 Celebrity Ooops” featuring celebrity arrests and fashion faux pas, and “Johnny Depp Extreme Close Up” a cheap stitch-up of all the promo interviews Johnny Depp has done in the last 15 years. Excellent!

Eating Rachel’s Organic Luxury Greek Style Yoghurt with Cocunut, it tastes like cream with bits of Bounty bar in it, but the whole tub is only, er, 600 calories! Ooops, it’s all gone.

Speccing my next MINI. Will it be a Cooper, a Cooper Diesel or a Cooper S?

Being extremely annoyed by all the empty car parking spaces right outside the house all day, because when I get home at 7 or 8 o’clock I have to practically get a bus home from the car.

Being Harassed by cold-callers from Delhi and spotty double glazing salesmen. **** OFF, ALL OF YOU!

Feeling guilty about not being at work. Why?!!