The Laws of the Closet

David Laws got himself into rather a pickle with his expenses because he wanted to keep the fact that he was gay a secret. In a statement, Laws said: “When I grew up, being gay was not accepted by most people including by many of my friends. So I have kept this secret from everyone I know for every day of my life”.

I can sympathise with David, but he is only 44 years of age and it is now 2010. Iain Dale in the Daily Mail of all places, followed it up with an article which stated that unlike the Americans, we “don’t like baring our souls, and most of all we don’t like hurting our families” to summarise why British men might like to stay in the closet.

Consider the following things that occur on a daily basis – can this be classed as “baring your soul”?

1) Telling people your partner’s name.

2) Discussing what you did on the weekend.

3) Disclosing a fondness for Glee.

It’s not about baring your soul, it’s about not having to lie. And the closet involves a whole lot of lies, on a daily basis. But these lies are often unnecessary and don’t stand up to limited scrutiny. For one, there’s the increasingly switched on gaydar of both straight and gay people to worry about.

My straight friend Martin sussed David Laws the moment he appeared on TV and described himself as “single”. A quick read of his bio which lists no previous marriages was bound to send gaydars beeping for a man of 44, and a lot of gay men are actually very poor judges of how naturally camp they really are.

So not only is the closet fraught with deceit, it’s also an increasingly difficult and unnecessary place to stay. According to a recent survey, nearly two-thirds of straight people have no issue with LGBT people. In his article Iain Dale states that when he finally came out, many friends were dismayed he hadn’t told them sooner.

But let’s not pretend the sun always shines once the closet door is flung open. Consider:

1) Over a third of people in the UK believe homosexuality is “always” or “mostly” wrong. That’s an awful lot of hate.

2) Try coming out at school. I certainly didn’t. We need to support gay youth and tackle homophobic language and bullying in our young.

3) Homophobic  hate crime is on the increase.

4) Try showing affection or kissing your same-sex partner on Tottenham High Road, instead of Tottenham Court Road.

5) Your civil partnership isn’t recognised outside of the UK.

6) There are still no “out” premier league footballers and precious few out people in any sport. (Cap doff to Gareth Jones, the Welsh rugby player)

It might have been down to my having to face up to overt racism in the 70s and 80s, but my attitude has always been, if people don’t like it, they can get out of my life. Luckily, my immediate family has been 100% supportive. Coupled with the many gay equality laws introduced by the Labour Government since 1997, the law is on our side.

So it’s not about coming out of the closet with pink guns blazing, it’s just about being honest.

Gay equality laws – what has the Pope got to do with it?

The government recently tabled an amendment to the Equality Bill which would have clarified that churches can not discriminate against gay men and lesbians in recruitment for roles that did not include leading worship.

Naturally, the Pope – who is obsessed with gays – criticised the legislation for violating “natural law” and would “impose unjust limitations on the freedom of religious communities to act in accordance with their beliefs.”

Not very civil

A registrar at Islington town hall (which is where I’m getting hitched this year) is taking Islington council to an industrial tribunal as she does not want to perform civil partnerships as it offends her religious beliefs.

As a registrar, she should know that a civil partnership is a civil ceremony, so religion does not come into it in any shape or form, least of all her religion.

If, as expected, she loses her case, I would rather she didn’t officiate at my ceremony through gritted teeth. She needs to go. Equal opportunities at work is not an optional extra.

Bitter and Twisted

You’d expect religious zealots and the loony right to attack Civil Partnerships, but more annoying is the negativity on the concept of two men having a relationship coming from gay people.

Channel 4′s recent drama, Clapham junction, was billed as a look at modern gay life, and instead showed a myopic melee of cottaging and fumbling on Hampstead Heath. There was a Civil Partnership ceremony, during which one of the guys getting hitched decided to seduce a waiter.

Similarly, I’ve just finished reading Bruce Benderson’s book The Romanian, where he revels in his relationship with a Romanian rent-boy as going against the norm, because if he had a traditional relationship, he may as well be straight. Personally, I don’t call paying for a relationship avant garde and daring, I call it a bit pathetic.

In Particular, Clapham Junction’s message seemed to be that Lesbians and Gay men cannot get complacent, with hate crimes on the rise, and this much is true. But it jarred that the only loving relationship depicted a man who couldn’t be faithful during his own civil partnership ceremony.

Gay-themed dramas don’t come along often, so is it really too much to ask to see gay men in non-conflicted and loving relationship, instead of being either massively promiscuous (Queer as Folk) asexual (Will and Grace) or entering relationships that end in tragedy (Brokeback Mountain).

While it’s much harder to make good drama out of happy characters, it often comes across that writers of gay books and TV shows are a little bitter and twisted, obsessed with the darker side of it all, so much so that it often reads like self-loathing.

Most of the gay men I know, whether in relationships or not – are actually happy. And while we cannot be complacent as to how far things have come – try holding hands with your partner in Tottenham instead of Tottenham Court Road – it’s a shame that too often writers default to doom and despair that at times seems outdated and unnecessary.

Taking the Michael

George Michael appears to be off his rocker – or on something – if thinks he can go cruising on Hampstead Heath without zillions of paparazzi following in convoy.

“It’s my culture!” said George as he was caught emerging from the woods. Over on LBC Radio – my fix of right wing sentiment to get me firedup in the morning – there was discussion about whether it is acceptable that cruising be considered part of “gay culture”

Of course cruising is part of gay culture, in the same way that “dogging” or “Lover’s Lane” is part of straight culture. So the straight couple shagging in the car park that our building overlooks at work was perfectly acceptable, was it, but woe betide any gay person that attempts to have sex in public.

Holiday Reading

Any Way The Wind Blows, by E Lynn Harris

E Lynn Harris has carved himself quite a niche as possibly the world’s only writer of the black gay, sex & shopping novel. A tawdry bitchy tale of revenge as singing diva Yancey B gets back at her ex by releasing a hit song that may reveal the bisexual truth about closeted sports agent Basil. Meanwhile, a young gay model becomes entangled with them both, and all three are flawed but sparky characters. E Lynn Harris’ writing rarely strays above Jackie Collins’ level, with clonking metaphors and nauseatingly corny love scenes, but just like Jackie, you won’t be able to put it down. A perfect by-the-pool read.

The Married Man, by Edmund White

The jacket suggests an intriguing love affair between an older American writer and a French married man. However I should have guessed that the book’s late 80s setting and jacket mention of a “cloud looming” meant that instead of its chief focus being love, the bulk of this book is supremely elegant prose about dying and death. At turns the description of AIDs-related illness is profoundly moving and then cold and clinical. A fantastic read for a depressing winter’s night, maybe, but not the shores of Ibiza.

Drag King Dreams, by Leslie Feinberg

Max, a bouncer in a New York drag club, drifts listlessly against a backdrop of hate crime and post 9/11 police brutality, until friends decide to organise and demonstrate. An intriguing and refreshing novel that renders descriptions of gender irrelevent, through the use of non-gender specific pronouns. Leaving your gender assumptions behind concentrates the mind on the characters, each having their own painful story to tell. A sometimes tragic, but ultimately hopeful view of the discrimination “gender queer” or transgendered people face. Eye-opening.

Uh-oh – There’s a Homophobe About!

No, this isn’t a Destiny’s Child drag queen tribute act – it’s US girl band Allure, looking a bit glum – and so would you after three flop albums in a row. Maybe that’s why they decided to spice up their single “Uh Oh” with a guest spot from a reggae artist, and I was enjoying the bouncy, anthemic mix of raggae and R&B.

That was until I noticed the listing on ITunes – “featuring Elephant Man”. Elephant Man is a Jamaican reggae artist who lists in his repertoire such classics as “Log On” where he sings about killing and/or carrying out violent acts against lesbians and gay men.

Before deleting the track from ITunes, I felt guilt that whatever portion of the 79p I paid for the track is on its way to Elephant Man’s bank account.

It does make you wonder how on earth you keep track of whether you are funding a homophobe or racist with your ITune purchases, when you are only armed with Google search. Does it matter? In extreme cases such as Elephant Man, yes it does.

Some Of My Best Friends Are Bigots

Lowri Turner and one of her gay friends – possibly

Former prime time TV presenter Lowri Turner reckons that although she “loves her gay friends” we shouldn’t be allowed to run the country because our lifestyles are “too divorced from the norm.” and we “don’t face the challenges associated with having children…I have gay friends whose biggest headache is whether to have a black sofa or a cream one. My gay friends have not sat in Accident & Emergency with a small child…without these experiences at the sharp end of our public services, this makes them completely out of their depth in administering them.”

So just because Lowri is friends with a couple of dizzy queens she thinks she can extrapolate that experience to the rest of the gay population. Yes Lowri, gay people don’t work, are never ill, poor, care for young or old relatives or pay any taxes (hint hint). We just sit around all day, every day, with no responsibilities – we’re just G-to-the-A-to-the-Y all day long.

Of more interest than the musings of a has-been TV presenter is the fact that so many right-wing bigots start their diatribes with “I have many gay friends”, this is of course is swiftly followed with a big “BUT”.

Former Tory Spin Doctor Amanda Platell likened gay men to “animals” for daring to use the internet to meet each other, but apparently that’s ok because her gay friends agree with her. (I bet those gay friends have “gaydar” profiles on the sly) Vitriolic homophobe Richard Littlejohn, apparently, also has gay friends. And if you aren’t familiar with Richard’s work, read this: http://www.johannhari.com/archive/article.php?id=631

So who are these self-loathing gay people who are friends with all these homophobic writers? Do you know any gay men or lesbians who enjoy a drink – or maybe even a night out at G.A.Y. – with the likes of Richard and Lowri? And how do the dinner parties go – does Amanda lambast you over the foie gras for your animalistic “gaydar” profile while you quiver with self-hatred?

The Gay Times suggests we write and complain to the Western Mail about Lowri’s article. But surely the career freefall from prime-time TV to provincial newspaper is punishment enough.