Forget the dull gays – give us badass!

EastEnders was at the forefront of bringing gay characters to soap. Who can forget Colin and Barry, prompting the Sun’s infamous “Filth!” headline. Squeaky clean  and after that one kiss, largely sexless, Colin and Barry paved the way in an era of extreme homophobia and broke the concept of the soap gay character, which is prevalent today.

Sadly for EastEnders, it’s all gone downhill ever since. There was lesbian couple Binnie and Della, who caused brief interest because of a straight-man-titillating snog then disappeared as the scriptwriters struggled with what the hell to do with them. And who can forget Tony and Simon, who caused much drama when Simon’s girlfriend Tiffany caught them snogging, but then Tony decided he liked girls again.

Doctor Fonseca came out but might as well have stayed in the amount of action he got. Then there was Derek, Pauline’s lodger who finally had a gay liaison merely to spoil Coronations Street’s Todd/Karl storyline. And now there’s Christian, who at least seemed to be well-rounded, have a sense of humour and have sex occasionally, but that was before he became embroiled with Syed. “Lets tackle the gay v religion issue”! you can imagine someone crying out in the script meeting’s Eureka moment.

“What we do is not Islamic!” wailed Syed. “Yes, but it is fabulous!” replied Christian. Sadly he didn’t, and that’s the problem with EastEnders’ latest gays – it’s all so so dull. Aside from the fact that Christian and Syed have no sexual chemistry whatsoever, we have yet another storyline where closeted gay man who’s about to get married sneaks off for man on man action. You can guarantee the wedding will be a riot.

So it’s high time EastEnders stopped trotting out the done-to-death coming out storyline with squeaky clean, don’t-upset-Daily-Mail-readers gays. It’s time for the stupid gay, the queeny gay, the promiscuous gay, the big bear gay, the Member of Parliament gay, or – my favourite suggestion – the badass gay. The US – way ahead of the curve on gay characters – gave us Omar in The Wire, the drug dealer with whom no one messes with. He likes his men, but call him a homophobic name and he’ll blow your head off. Now that would be great pre-watershed TV!

Bong! Here is the news…Sexism alive and well on TV!

So News at Ten is back. You may remember that ITV canned it a few years ago so they could bring us quality post-watershed drama and stunning film premieres. Which is strange, as I can’t actually recall anything of note in the vacated timeslot.

Sir Trevor McDonald deserves credit for becoming Britain’s first black news anchor, but (whisper it) there’s no escaping the fact that he isn’t actually a very good news anchor. Sir Trevor in a Freudian slip, once read out “Kent Countryside” as “C*** countryside” live on air.

But what’s really getting my goat this week is not ITV’s misguided attempt to disinter News at Ten, or even Sir Trevor himself, but rather, who he’s been paired with. Yes, Sir Trevor (age 68, hardly Denzel Washington) has been paired with Julie Etchingham (age 38, blonde, attractive).

I’m sure Julie is extremely talented and has had a distinguished career but there is no escaping the fact that this is another example of the “no oil painting older male / younger attractive female” pairing that is worryingly prevalent on our TV screen these days.

Count them – there’s Des O’Connor and Melanie Sykes on Today With Des And Mel, Bruce Forsyth and Tess Daly on Strictly Come Dancing, Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby on Dancing on Ice. And there’s even Jon Snow on Channel 4 news with his selection of slinky 30something ethnic newsreaders.

This would not be a problem in itself, if also present on our screens were examples of a mature women/attractive younger man combination. But it never happens – can you envisage a programme with say, Joan Bakewell presenting with Gethin Jones?

And for once, we can’t blame the men in charge, as TV has plenty of female executives these days. TV stations are treading on eggshells of late avoiding references to racism and homophobia, yet it seems it is acceptable for blatant sexism to be clearly in evidence every time we turn on a light entertainment show and witness the inevitable “geriatric and his nurse” combination.

It’s not much better in the US, where there are some more mature female presenters but they are always thin, never show any gray hair and are often botoxed and surgically stretched. Meanwhile, the men can be as grey, bald, and borderline obese as they like.

If TV wants to get its house in order, they should stop making it a prequisite that if you are female on TV you must have “sex appeal”, and also stop sidelining women as soon as they reach a certain age (e.g. Moira Stewart). Blatantly inferring that viewers won’t watch older women on TV is extremely patronising and last time I looked, sexism and ageism in the workplace is illegal.

2007: How was it for you?

Fed up with 2007 Reviews of the Year yet? Tough! here’s the Sloth’s highlights of 2007

Man Of The Year: Dermot O’Leary. Oh how we rejoiced when Ice Queen Kate Thornton was replaced with Dermot on X-Factor, and he didn’t disappoint, by camping it up, blubbing and giving the male contestants (not the girls) big manhugs. The best talent on X-factor by far.

Woman Of The Year: Amy Winehouse. Outrageously talented, and sadly a celebrity blogger’s dream. And with the best-selling album of the year, she proves there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

Celebrity Mess of the Year: Amy Winehouse

Car of the Year Not Including the Mini: The Maserati Granturismo. Can you imagine turning up in one of these? Italian sex appeal without the embarrassment of owning a Ferrari.

Car Most Likely to get Keyed Outside my House if I Owned One: Maserati Granturismo.

Car of the Year including the MINI: The MINI Cooper S I test drove. Just awesome. I want one!

Album of the Year: Amy Winehouse – Back to Black. Though released in 2006, I only really appreciated just how good this album this year. Real British soul music – you don’t hear Americans singing about being no good.

Singles of the Year – based on iTunes airplay, how often I sung it in the shower, and general fudging it:

1) Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis

2) Back to Black – Amy Winehouse
3) Umbrella – Rihanna
4) No One – Alicia Keys

5) Anonymous – Bobby Valentino
6) Promise-Ciara

7) Icebox-Omarion
8) Can’t Forget About You – Nas feat Chrisette Michele

9) Gotta Work – Amerie

10) Uninvited – Freemasons

Retailer of the Year: Ted Baker (of course)

Website of the Year: Facebook. So successful, my employer has blocked it.

Biggest Disappointments of the Year:

• The iPhone. Beautiful, but no 3G and an 18 month contract with O2? No thanks.
• Where was Whitney’s album?
• Having to challenge people about their racism in 2007.

Things I’m looking forward to in 2008:

• My Civil Partnership & honeymoon. Hooray!
• Cousin #1′s baby
• Cousin # 2′s baby
• Brother’s baby (blimey feeling left out, must adopt a goldfish or something)
• Mini Cooper S????! (had to put this last or my nearest and dearest will kill me!)

I don’t Believe It

There was shock at our Neighborhood X-Factor Final party when Leon walked off with the 1 million quid record contract, despite the fact that not only is he a wuss (see below) but he has consistently proven that he can’t carry a tune in a bucket.

Quivering his way through several bum notes and wobbly off-key bits, Leon looked like the calibre of person who wouldn’t win the karaoke contest in his local pub, let alone a national talent competition.

But because girls think he’s cute, he’s nice to his mum and had the weight of the Scottish Vote behind him, he miraculously won the day. And though his name has 80% of the letters of Leona’s, his talent doesn’t even approach 1% of the newly crowned queen of British pop.

Now, if your artist is clearly a bit challenged in the singing stakes, there are two singers who you really shouldn’t be covering, and that’s Whitney and Mariah. Simon Cowell, amazingly, has got Leon to cover Whitney AND Mariah in the same song, as he butchers their 1998 duet When You Believe.

When You Believe was not Whitney or Mariah’s finest moment. But their version sounds absolutely stunning compared to Leon’s version, which makes your ears bleed. I put his shaky singing down to nerves, but there it is, on the damn recording.

I’m not one for advocating the use of Autotune, favoured by record producers and Girls Aloud for correcting dodgy notes, but surely for the sake of the nation’s ears, they should have added all manner of echo and digitised effects.

Sadly, this earache is a dead cert for Christmas Number 1 on Sunday. But don’t worry, if Leona is the next Mariah, then Leon is the next David Sneddon (Scottish, won Fame Academy, had 1 hit, not heard of since). Which means we won’t have to suffer for long.

The wuss factor

The striking thing about this years’ X Factor is not the talent – or lack thereof – of the contestants, but how much crying they do.

“My dad died last year” weeps the recently ejected Niki. “I was bullied at school” blubs the girl from Same Difference. “I can’t go back to removing asbestos!” wailed doe-eyed dope Andy.

And then there’s Leon, who seems on the verge of tears all the time, even during his flaky performances. He hasn’t even got a proper sob story, just that it’s “his dream” and he’s “doing it for his mum” as he likes to remind us in misty-eyed fashion in his semi-comatose Scots accent.

When did the British Stiff Upper Lip (TM) become the British Lower Trembling Lip? I’m all for grown men letting it all out and talking about their feelings but being ready to blub at the drop of a hat all the bloody time is a bit much.

Rhydian deserves to win X Factor because not only is he the best singer, but he has also (so far) failed to come up with a sob story that would make Oprah proud and/or turn on the waterworks for the camera. Maybe it’s something to do with the fact that he’s a virgin and is possibly too tightly wound up.

The rest of them need to do what Brits used to do before Diana met her end – just pull yourself together, for god’s sake!

Right up my street

More gay drama on BBC1′s the Street, as a married man indulged in a bit of how’s yer father with Will Mellor. And who can blame him?

In summary I would say there was far too much kitchen sink angst, and far too few shots of Will Mellor with his kit off.

Spooks: inspired by wooden people

Caught an episode of Spooks for the first time in years, and was amazed at the striking similarities between it and Captain Scarlet.

The preposterous storyline involving a terrorist plan to poison a city water supply reminded me of a Captain Scarlet episode with a very similar plot.

There was the same deeply corny explanatory dialogue and ridiculous gadgets, the same dodgy special effects involving a plane, and let’s face it, there was the same wooden acting.

Spooks main man (and pouty minx) Adam Carter even bears more than a passing resemblance to Captain Blue, don’t you think. When he’s off duty, Captain Blue’s real name is….Adam. Now that’s Spooky!

Blown to Britz

Channel 4′s Britz was slick big-budget, gripping drama. And it’s refreshing to see lead roles taken by Asian people outside of Pataks commercials. The lack of Asian people on TV is an absolute scandal. It is a shame that the only drama with Asian lead roles had terrorism as its major theme, but full marks to channel 4 for commissioning a drama that at times made for uncomfortable viewing.

Split into two parts, it told the story of a British-born Muslim brother and sister, one who works for MI5 fighting against terrorism, the other who becomes radicalised and travels to a terror camp in Pakistan. Prior to 7th July 2005, we may well have deemed some of the events in Britz implausible. But knowing what we know now, it was all far too real. The argument the fundamentalists make is that as 1000s of Muslim men, women and children have died in the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, you, me and the rest of the British public are fair game. A chilling prospect.

It was a fair attempt to understand why some Asian Muslims feel so disenfranchised by the UK’s foreign policy. However, as there is never any excuse for murdering innocent people, understanding is not on the agenda: what’s needed is cold, hard, comdemnation.

Saturday Night Cheesefest

ITV1′s Saturday Night Divas had some big stars plugging their new albums, but despite the “star-studded” roster, ITV still managed to turn it into one big cheesefest. Quite an achievement, really.

So what did we learn from the experience?

Chaka Khan needs to stop screeching and retire. Nobody wants to hear Aint Nobody ever again.

Celine Dion manages to combine being clearly mad as a hatter with being a crushingly dull singer.

Jamelia turned on the sass for a cover of Hey Ya. Shame she’s currently without a record deal. Expect her on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here or having her dumps examined by “Dr” Gillian on You Are What You Eat soon.

Jennifer Lopez couldn’t be bothered to show up on the night, even for charity, so we got a videotape of her miming Do It Well. As the single and album have tanked, it’s lucky for her that she’s up the duff.

Speaking of miming, Girls Aloud looked like a bunch of over-tanned, over made-up Essex girls on a hen night as usual.

Natasha Bedingfield needs to realise that her one hit single does not mean she has “broken the States” and should accept her career is over now.

Thank God for Leona Lewis. It takes a brave woman to tackle the slow burning intensity of the First Time Ever I Saw Your Face and pull it off but she managed it. (Celine Dion tried it once and turned it into a whining screamfest). Can’t wait for the new album next week.

As for Myleene Klass, judging by her chest, her new baby is getting lots of nourishment…

The Latest Big Brother Race Row

Controversy raged on the Vanessa Feltz show on BBC London on Saturday – apparently one of her black co-presenters had decided that Big Brother winner Brian (left) wasn’t black enough. Step Forward Valley Fountaine (on the right) who replaces Lowri Turner as my Racist Of The Week. Valley seems to think that as he grew up in Essex with white foster parents and therefore doesn’t speak Ja-fake-an and have baggy jeans falling down to his ankles, he isn’t representing the black community.

Earth calling Valley: Black men do not just grow up in London and act in one particular way, there are black men who speak with a Scottish accent, black men who are upper-class, gay black men, and possibly all three. And they are still black. Granted, Brian’s blue contact lenses, straightened hair and inability to dance may be unusual if you are used to hanging around with black Londoners, but, to suggest that he is not black is ridiculous.

Isn’t this limited perception of what a black person should be tantamount to self-stereotyping and completely counterproductive? And the subtext seems to be “white people can’t bring up black children.” Well tell that to the 50% of black people who have white partners, or the disproportionate number of black or mixed race children stuck in care homes.