What’s on my iPod this week

Missy Elliott is back with a new single, Ching Ching, which is about how much money she makes. personally I’m bored senseless with rappers droning on about their cribs and their Bentleys. The song sounds rather like her previous hit Work It, it has a 3D video which looks very shoddy on youtube if you don’t have your 3D specs to hand, and in further evidence that she’s run out of ideas, she’s started a competition for fans to name her album.

It’s Wynter time! Wynter Gordon time that is. She’s put together a track called Surveillance which steals great swathes of Rihanna’s Umbrella (the “eh eh eh” bits) marries it with the beat from Timbaland’s The Way I Are. Should be an awkward and desperate pastiche, but instead sounds awesome.

Meanwhile, Leona Lewis is ready to conquer America with a re-shoot of the Bleeding Love video in New York’s Times Square. The new video is dull dull dull, but it certainly screams “Accept Me America!” Meanwhile eye-popping ballad Footprints In The Sand is the next UK single, as it sounds like mid-90s Mariah it will be ignored by radio stations, so they’ve released the plodding Better In Time as a double A side in an attempt to keep radio programmers happy. Release Take A Bow you fools!

Here’s Leona meeting Whitney at the pre-Grammy party. The short bald geezer is Clive Davis of J records, who is steering Leona’s US assault and Whitney’s comeback, which has been mooted for aeons.

I don’t Believe It

There was shock at our Neighborhood X-Factor Final party when Leon walked off with the 1 million quid record contract, despite the fact that not only is he a wuss (see below) but he has consistently proven that he can’t carry a tune in a bucket.

Quivering his way through several bum notes and wobbly off-key bits, Leon looked like the calibre of person who wouldn’t win the karaoke contest in his local pub, let alone a national talent competition.

But because girls think he’s cute, he’s nice to his mum and had the weight of the Scottish Vote behind him, he miraculously won the day. And though his name has 80% of the letters of Leona’s, his talent doesn’t even approach 1% of the newly crowned queen of British pop.

Now, if your artist is clearly a bit challenged in the singing stakes, there are two singers who you really shouldn’t be covering, and that’s Whitney and Mariah. Simon Cowell, amazingly, has got Leon to cover Whitney AND Mariah in the same song, as he butchers their 1998 duet When You Believe.

When You Believe was not Whitney or Mariah’s finest moment. But their version sounds absolutely stunning compared to Leon’s version, which makes your ears bleed. I put his shaky singing down to nerves, but there it is, on the damn recording.

I’m not one for advocating the use of Autotune, favoured by record producers and Girls Aloud for correcting dodgy notes, but surely for the sake of the nation’s ears, they should have added all manner of echo and digitised effects.

Sadly, this earache is a dead cert for Christmas Number 1 on Sunday. But don’t worry, if Leona is the next Mariah, then Leon is the next David Sneddon (Scottish, won Fame Academy, had 1 hit, not heard of since). Which means we won’t have to suffer for long.

Whitney’s in the Top 10?!!!!!

How did this happen?

Sony BMG have thrown out a Whitney Houston compilation CD called The Ultimate Collection, with the following tracklisting:

1. I Will Always Love You

2. Saving All My Love For You

3. Greatest Love Of All

4. One Moment In Time

5. I Wanna Dance With Somebody

6. How Will I Know

7. So Emotional

8. When You Believe – Duet with Mariah Carey

9. Where Do Broken Hearts Go

10. I’m Your Baby Tonight

11. Didn’t We Almost Have It All

12. Run To You

13. Exhale (Shoop Shoop)

14. If I Told You That – with George Michael

15. I Have Nothing

16. I’m Every Woman

17. It’s Not Right But It’s OK

18. My Love Is Your Love

That’s right – no new tracks, and all but one of these songs were on Whitney: The Greatest Hits two-CD set, over a million copies of which are already in UK homes. Luckily they have resisted the temptation to add any tracks from the dreadful 2002 Just Whitney album.

Just goes to show, the British public love some old-style Whitney, and we’re suckers for a greatest hits album.

Now, with Whitney on the straight and narrow, can we have a new album please?

Whitney Robs The Cradle

There were cries of “Nooooooooooooooooo!” as Whitney was seen having lunch with her ex Bobby last week. But fear not, Whitney has been seen out and about yet again with R&B singer Ray J, who at 26, is 17 years her junior.

Ray J is no stranger to controversy – his sister Brandy, famous for the hit “The Boy Is Mine” is due in court in relation to a fatal car accident she was involved in, and Ray J himself is soon to star on the internet in a sex tape he made with his ex.

Having seen some screen caps from the tape, all I can say is Whitney is a lucky woman…

Whitney Watch: Grammy Awards

Whitney looked radiant at the Grammy awards party. And word is, seven songs have been selected for the new album and recording starts in four weeks. Looks like the comeback really is going to happen!

She’s back!

Whitney stopped traffic at a charity event she attended this week. Post divorce, she’s gone back to her Diva best in a matter of months. It’s amazing what a good divorce can do!

YESSS!!!!

There was good news for Osama Bin Laden this week when it was announced that Whitney and Bobby are finally splitting up. THANK! GOD!

As if to prove that she’s not mourning the end of her 13-year marriage, Whitney turned up at an industry event looking fabulous.  Whitney’s recording a new album, so let’s hope she can whip those chords back into shape and bring us some fierce new material.

Osama’s Greatest Love Of All

It’s a match made in heaven!

Osama Bin Laden’s former mistress claims that the terrorist scumbag was obssessed with Whitney Houston. According to the report on Sky News, Osama would speak constantly about “how beautiful she is, what a nice smile she has, how truly Islamic she is.”

He also talked about having her useless husband Bobby Brown bumped off. Now that idea is surely the acceptable face of Islamic terrorism!