I don’t Believe It

There was shock at our Neighborhood X-Factor Final party when Leon walked off with the 1 million quid record contract, despite the fact that not only is he a wuss (see below) but he has consistently proven that he can’t carry a tune in a bucket.

Quivering his way through several bum notes and wobbly off-key bits, Leon looked like the calibre of person who wouldn’t win the karaoke contest in his local pub, let alone a national talent competition.

But because girls think he’s cute, he’s nice to his mum and had the weight of the Scottish Vote behind him, he miraculously won the day. And though his name has 80% of the letters of Leona’s, his talent doesn’t even approach 1% of the newly crowned queen of British pop.

Now, if your artist is clearly a bit challenged in the singing stakes, there are two singers who you really shouldn’t be covering, and that’s Whitney and Mariah. Simon Cowell, amazingly, has got Leon to cover Whitney AND Mariah in the same song, as he butchers their 1998 duet When You Believe.

When You Believe was not Whitney or Mariah’s finest moment. But their version sounds absolutely stunning compared to Leon’s version, which makes your ears bleed. I put his shaky singing down to nerves, but there it is, on the damn recording.

I’m not one for advocating the use of Autotune, favoured by record producers and Girls Aloud for correcting dodgy notes, but surely for the sake of the nation’s ears, they should have added all manner of echo and digitised effects.

Sadly, this earache is a dead cert for Christmas Number 1 on Sunday. But don’t worry, if Leona is the next Mariah, then Leon is the next David Sneddon (Scottish, won Fame Academy, had 1 hit, not heard of since). Which means we won’t have to suffer for long.

The wuss factor

The striking thing about this years’ X Factor is not the talent – or lack thereof – of the contestants, but how much crying they do.

“My dad died last year” weeps the recently ejected Niki. “I was bullied at school” blubs the girl from Same Difference. “I can’t go back to removing asbestos!” wailed doe-eyed dope Andy.

And then there’s Leon, who seems on the verge of tears all the time, even during his flaky performances. He hasn’t even got a proper sob story, just that it’s “his dream” and he’s “doing it for his mum” as he likes to remind us in misty-eyed fashion in his semi-comatose Scots accent.

When did the British Stiff Upper Lip (TM) become the British Lower Trembling Lip? I’m all for grown men letting it all out and talking about their feelings but being ready to blub at the drop of a hat all the bloody time is a bit much.

Rhydian deserves to win X Factor because not only is he the best singer, but he has also (so far) failed to come up with a sob story that would make Oprah proud and/or turn on the waterworks for the camera. Maybe it’s something to do with the fact that he’s a virgin and is possibly too tightly wound up.

The rest of them need to do what Brits used to do before Diana met her end – just pull yourself together, for god’s sake!

The XXX Factor

Oh Joy! The new season of X-Factor has started to record ratings. I reckon the additional viewers are girls and gays tuning in to get a prime-time fix of our favourite metrosexual, Dermot O’Leary.

Yes, dreamy Dermot may be straight but he does a nice line in campery such as wagging his hips and squealing like a girl. Forget Simon Cowell or the no-hope contestants, this season is all about the Derms.

Something To Look At While We Wait For Leona…

Do you remember Shayne Ward? Thought not. he’s the guy that won the X-Factor the year before Leona Lewis.

With his last single stalling at number 14, Shayne has taken the hint that it’s not his music we appreciate him for and and he’s taken his top off. It’s an agreeable diversion while we wait for Leona’s single and album.

Leona isn’t doing covers of Unchained Melody like most X-Factor winners – she’s in the US, recording with producer Dallas Austin, who brought us such storming singles as Sugababes’ Push The Button. Also producing are Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, whose defining moment was producing Nasty and What Have You Done For Me Lately for Janet Jackson.

Hopefully, this means she won’t be stuck in dreary 80s-style power ballad hell. The signs are good!

An Annoucement

Dermot O’Leary will be presenting the new series of X-Factor. Family and friends please note that I shall not be attending any events, gatherings or functions on Saturday nights as soon as the new series gets away.

I know it’s hard being dumped in favour of Dermot droolage, but I’m sure in time you will come to accept this and understand. Thank you.

She Did It!!

There were joyous scenes at our “X-Factor Final and Pizza” evening as Leona blew us away with stellar perfomances and romped home to a glorious victory. It would have been criminal if the result had gone any other way.

Leona has grace, just enough power, perfect pitch, and understands how to sell a song. Granted she’s big on pomp and short on nuance, but she has limitless potential. She’s not a Whitney, or even a Mariah, and she should recognise this and develop her own musical persona.

This is not to say that Leona isn’t astonishing. While American black churches used to churn out dazzling soul singers by the dozen, British girls largely have to learn their craft by listening to American singer’s records, and third hand soul can very rarely compare with the real thing. But Leona delivers American vocal stylings with a panache and conviction not seen since Dusty Springfield.

The Sloth had serious misgivings about Leona’s future, with Simon Cowell’s penchant for forcing X-Factor finalists to knock out an album of quick covers for release a nanosecond after the credits rolled on the final show. But it seems Simon realises the gravity of his responsibility to ensure Leona isn’t just another flash in the pan. Simon has declared that he wants to take his time over Leona’s album and find some world class songs that are worthy of her awesome voice.

The deeply cheesy and dated power ballad A Moment Like This (another cover!) is hardly an auspicious start to proceedings, however, and some of Leona’s appeal seems to have gone AWOL in the recording studio. If she had released the song without the X-Factor exposure, it would have struggled to reached number 100, let alone number one. The power ballad is dead and buried, no matter how much fame and fortune they brought divas in the 80s and 90s.

But things have taken an interesting twist, with something unprecendented in the history of Pop Idol or X-Factor winners: American interest. Clive Davis, who steered Whitney to superstardom has been on the phone and wants to work on Leona’s album to give it worldwide (read: American) appeal. This is good and bad news.

The good news is that he has helped Whitney achieve over 100 million album sales. The bad news is the promotion of every Whitney album since the mid 90s had been wanting, and of his current roster of acts, only Alicia Keys has achieved notable success.

The US interest in Leona is not surprising, as it comes at a time when the US music industry has turned its back on gospel trained talent and invested in pretty but limited singers such as Ashanti, Ciara and Cassie who can’t hold a candle to Leona. I would stick my neck out and say that even at this early stage, Leona is a more convincing vocalist than Christina Aguilera and Beyonce, too.

So fingers crossed that Leona and her management team can make the right decisions and build a lasting career for Leona. Because what the world music needs is a new diva, and a worldwide superstar British diva would be astounding.

Simon: Don’t **** this up!

X Factor’s Leona – I Will Always Love You

It had to happen – Leona from the X-Factor had a bash at I Will Always Love You.

Many a wannabe diva has crashed and burned trying to cover the Whitney classic, but Leona does a remarkable job, starting in a Dolly Parton style then going for the full Whitney belts at the song’s crescendo.

Louis Walsh thought it was as good as the Whitney version, but this is the man who manages Westlife. She’s good, but not that good. And who came up with that famous vocal arrangement in the first place?

Still, with the right songs and management, Leona could well be a superstar.

Shayne who?

X-Factor has moved into the live show elimination round. As I watched the selection of no-hopers hit bum notes and gyrate awkwardly, it got me wondering, why are they bothering with all the effort, tears and humiliation?

Steve Brookstein, who won the X-Factor two years ago, has just had the indignity of his latest single peaking at number 193, and his album is AWOL from the Top 200. Last year’s winner, Shayne Ward, is already on shaky ground with his last single peaking at number 14. In pop, a single that fails to go top 10 is the kiss of death. X-Factor fame is just a tad fleeting.

In fact the only people to make real money out of X-Factor seems to be Simon Cowell and his chums. X-Factor is produced by Syco, Simon Cowell’s production comopany. I noted that Westlife’s latest dirge was featured very prominently in the show I watched – Westlife are managed by Louis Walsh. And last and very much least, the terminally useless Sharon Osborne is on £12,000 a programme for her rubbish chat show, which she landed off the X-Factor publicity.

And it’s not just the X-Factor saddoes who fail to make any money out of pop. Bradley from S Club 7 sold millions of albums and spent four years slogging his guts out 24/7 on TV shows and promotional tours. He made a million quid. Sounds a lot? Divide by four and take off 40% tax – that’s £150,000 a year. Bradley would have been better off concentrating on his exams and getting a job in the city – by his own admission he is now doing nothing much.

So the moral of the story is – if you want to make money out of pop, forget the X-Factor. Unless you happen to be Simon Cowell.